Called to be Friends

Called to be Friends 
Nurturing Strong Sisterhood – 12 Principles
And take Beth Ann’s Fun Challenge at the end!
3/5/2020, completed 10/7/2021; revised 3/22/2024
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Preface
I compiled this information for a retreat in March of 2020 that did not happen due to the lockdowns and the uncertainty of the time. I wrote it for those seeking to break down barriers to community and bring unity among the kedoshim (God’s children).

In this day of differing opinions and observations about issues we have never faced before, my endeavor to speak about nurturing friendships became more complicated. The division caused by censorship has been deep and often irreconcilable. I began before these issues existed. So, please take what is beneficial and feel free to leave the rest behind. 

The principles are based on Scripture, experience, and research. I would like to offer a word of caution: Avoid heeding counsel void of the Spirit. For example, some counselors say, “Let go of people who bring you down, drain your energy, kill your productivity, or complicate your life.” This is generally good advice, but it is focused on self rather than servanthood. The question is, “Does God want me to walk alongside a person or let them go?” The answer is up to God. We should not lock God into a bucket of “friendship principles.” Also, we realize we are all on a journey of practicing and learning love.

Also, many sisters are occupied with children, grandchildren, and their existing friendships and will not be able to nurture new relationships. But I feel sure, we all want to strengthen the relationships we have. At the same time, if you are content in your family, I would like to encourage you to reach out and include others in your life if it is possible. Often, it doesn’t take much additional time to include others. In Virginia McInerney’s book Single Not Separate, she encourages families to reach out to those who need a family and to bring them into their own. She mentions Psalm 68:6a (NIV), “God sets the lonely in families.”

Introduction
Connection is an innate human need. Just as water quenches thirst and food satisfies hunger, connection dispels loneliness. True human connection happens when both people feel heard, valued, and respected for their weaknesses as well as their strengths. In essence, each values the other right where they are with no desire to change the other. Although we often fail in our attempts at friendship, we can try, and we can give grace to each other along the way.

I have experienced beautiful and lasting friendships that have brought deep joy, contentment, and healing! I have also made loads of mistakes. So, come along with me to explore ways we can be the friend God has called us to be!

How do I increase in being a good friend?

1.  Seek God first.

• • Cultivate intimacy with Him each day. (Matthew 6:33)
  • Believe you are valuable to God and know who you are in Him. (Ephesians 1)
  • Understand that the Holy Spirit must enable healthy friendship. (Jeremiah 32:17-18a)

2.  Begin with humility.

• • Allow God to search us. Psalm 139:23-24.
    “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any hurtful way in me and lead me in the everlasting way.”
    Do not introspect; allow the Lord to examine and highlight areas for change. Never apologize or say, “I am sorry” if you did nothing wrong. Wait for God to show you, then ask for forgiveness. Apologizing when you were not wrong is false humility. At the same time, it is good to seriously consider the other person’s view before disregarding it.
    
    
  • Ask God to expose right and wrong intentions and motives in yourself. Hebrews 4:12.
    “For the word of God is living, active and sharper than any two-edged sword and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit of both joints and marrow and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”
    It is hard to see where the joint ends and the marrow begins, but God’s light reveals the truth about our motives.
    
    
  • Lean on His understanding. Proverbs 3:5-6.
    “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

3.  Intentionally cross over differences. If possible, push through the barriers of differences in:

• • Personality
  • Denomination
  • Race
  • Economic status
  • Dress
  • Food preferences
  • Spiritual gifts
  • Convictions
  • Callings and passions
  • Line of work
  • Talents and skills
  • Abilities/disabilities
  • Childhood influence
  • Opportunities given
  • Brokenness
  • Culture
  • Neighborhood
  • Age
  • New moms, empty nesters, no children
  • Season in life (Struggling, Suffering, Steady, Healthy, Happy)
  • Single, married, divorced, widowed
  • Can you think of others?

4.  Be authentic.

• • Let go of the need for approval or the need to look good.
  • Remain humble and open to reconciling dialogue. In the face of disagreement, be willing to try to see things from another’s perspective, even though you may not agree with them.
  • If you are in a relationship of trust, be vulnerable about your weaknesses and your need for prayer. A popular teacher (a man) said, “My heart is fragile and I don’t share it with just anyone.”

5.  Do not assume.

1. • Clarify misunderstanding with good conversation.
     I had a neighbor who asked me why I was ignoring her. I had no idea this was her perception and had no desire to ignore her. After a good conversation, everything was fine.
   • Give the benefit of the doubt; assume positive intent.

6.  Listen.

• • Think about what they are saying, not about what you are going to say or how it will affect you. This is difficult if you already have a strong opinion or are currently hurting. Focus. Do not allow distractions. Give time and effort.
    
    
  • Ask clarifying questions for more information. Paraphrase to be sure you understood.
    
    
  • Stay on topic. Do not interrupt. 
    
    
  • Use positive gestures, expressions, and tone of voice. Smile.
    
    
  • Do not give advice unless asked; Value where they are and their need to air their thoughts. If they ask for your advice often and agree with it but never heed it, they are venting at your emotional expense and so should be gently confronted.
    
    
  • Value the other’s personality by allowing it to be expressed. Allow sentences to be finished and wide spaces of thought before giving a response so you are sure you have understood.
    
    
  • Accept and affirm the other’s unique beauty designed by God. Acceptance nurtures confession and prayer and releases healing and freedom.

7.  Be grateful for any time anyone gives you. None of us deserve God’s love or anyone else’s time.

8.  Have no ulterior motive. An ulterior motive is a secret reason for doing or saying something.

• • Be interested in the person, not in what you can get from them. Although we often meet a friend for a specific purpose outside of the friendship, the pattern for meeting is friendship, unless we are hurting or ill.
  • Discern those who do not have your best interest in mind.

9.  Reciprocate.
       This principle can be misunderstood and hard to explain. The key is gratitude. 

Michael Card in his book Hesed and the Mystery of God’s Lovingkindness writes, “The one who was initially shown hesed [God’s indescribable, undeserved love] naturally demonstrates hesed in return. This is not a legal expectation…rather an expectation based on hope. To receive hesed and not return it leaves the party disappointed… Reciprocity is an indication that you have internalized the truth of hesed.” Pgs. 64-65

10. Confront.

• • A good friend feels comfortable telling us things that we may not want to hear when they know we are doing what is not good for us. This kind of dialogue can only happen when both people have given permission to the other and when a mutual consistent friendship has existed.
    
    
  • A good friend verbally sets boundaries in the face of mistreatment as opposed to ghosting. Ghosting is the cowardly practice of ending a relationship by withdrawing from that person without offering an explanation or being willing to dialogue about what went wrong.
    
    
  • Do not compete, humiliate, shame, or control. Recognize these behaviors and be willing to talk about them since they may be blind spots. If someone is unwilling to talk with you about an unpleasant incident, she is not really interested in a healthy friendship; it is best to move on.
    
    
  • Practice healthy conflict-resolution – Our learned patterns of behavior can be transformed by the Holy Spirit! The first three conflict-resolution styles are unhealthy. Let God turn them into the fourth style – Assertive!

1. 1. 1. Aggressive – This person attempts to make people do what they want them to do by manipulation. They manipulate by inducing guilt or intimidation.
         
         
      2. Passive – This person is compliant to avoid conflict and confrontation. They are peacekeepers, not peacemakers. A peacemaker works through conflict. A peacekeeper withdraws from conflict or miscommunication to get relief. This withdrawal never solves the problem.
         
         
      3. Passive-aggressive – This person avoids direct confrontation (passive) but tries to get even through manipulation (aggressive) or through outbursts that happen as a result of the build-up of frustration caused by not confronting.
         
         
      4. Assertive (good) – This person communicates clearly and directly and works to create a solution that is best for both people. An assertive person respects themselves and the other person. They take care of their needs, while not infringing on the needs of others.

11. Empathize.  Pray to increase in these abilities:

• • The ability to respond to other people’s emotions appropriately.
  • The ability to feel what another person is feeling.
  • The ability to understand someone’s response to a situation.

12. Don’t beat yourself up. If you fail, try again!

Take Beth Ann’s Challenge – Get to know each other.

The following points were written as an exercise within a church after a retreat was dispersed. Are you ready to get out of your comfort zone to practice strong sisterhood?!

1.  Invite someone to your home that you do not know or who is different from you. If it is not possible to invite them to your home, meet them at a coffee shop or a park.

2.  Read through the Listen portion of Called to Be Friends (this paper) beforehand for more understanding.

3.  Relax and Remember – You will make lots of mistakes. Give grace to yourself and others.

4.  Agree to the amount of time you have. Respect each other by being on time and valuing the time allotted.

5.  Approach the conversation as a time to practice sisterhood together.

• • Divide your time in half or fourths. For example, if you have agreed to meet for one hour. One person can share for 15 minutes, the other for the next 15 minutes, and so on back and forth.
    
    
  • Choose a topic of conversation. – Some possibilities include:
    • Share whatever is on your mind.
    • Share a time when you were touched by the Lord or how you came to know Him.
    • Share three things that get you excited or three things you hope for.
    • Share what a typical day in your life looks like.
    • Share prayer requests and pray.
    • Share your favorite Scriptures or what Scriptures you may be reading at the time.
    • Share your thoughts on a portion of the Called to Be Friends

The image for this writing is part of the Maidens in the Midst Art Card in the Joy Collection at FlowerGirlGreetings.com

Shale Fragments™ - devotionals by Beth Ann Phifer is a division of Flower Girl Greetings, LLC. ©2020, All Rights Reserved.
Blessings and love in Him,
Beth Ann